Reflections

In the days following the LOVE run, I've had people ask me things like: "What did you do when you were bored?", "If you were in so much pain, why did you keep going?", and "What did you learn?". It has now been about three weeks since the run ended and I feel like I finally have had time to reflect more upon my experiences during the run.

So, What did I learn?

1. Be in the moment. This is something I've been practicing for a long time, especially ever since I began my yoga practice. This was a lesson that became especially clear to me during this run. There were quite a few times where I thought I wasn't going to be able to finish. But the thought of not finishing came from worries about the future. There were quite a few moments when I felt pretty substantial pain in my knees and I started to think that I wouldn't be able to continue. But if I checked in and asked myself "How am I right now?", I usually could answer "okay". Sure, my knees hurt like crazy, but at least I could walk....and I knew I wasn't making anything worse. And, I truly have seen people in worse shape finishing 50 miles and 100 miles races....or just trying to live life. Interestingly, when intense pain did arise, it would often subside, so if I stayed present, I could just ride that wave of sensation, allow sensation to wash over me, and usually come back to a place where all was a little brighter. Which leads me to my other lesson....

2. Impermanence of all things. I know that sometimes when I am in pain, fear, or sadness, it sometimes seem like those feelings can consume me. That they might never go away. More and more my practice connects me back to the impermanence of all things. On this run, I would experience intense sensation and sometimes get to a point where even walking was challenging. So, I would pause, ice my knee, breathe, and then continue on. Every day, the pain would subside. On day 2, I was "forced" to walk 8 miles because of knee pain and I was feeling pretty unhappy about it...eventually, i took a quick break, changed shoes, and soon was running again. And it felt great! Not only did my knee pain disappear, but my spirits had lifted as well. I was running by gorgeous countryside under a beautiful blue sky and loving life! This feeling continued until the end of that run that day. Recognizing the impermanence of all things has helped greatly in the past when dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. When experiencing a panic attack, it sometimes feels as if I really just might be dying...and that is terrifying...hence the term "panic attack". All it truly is, though, is fear. By staying present, i can allow the feeling of fear to wash through my awareness, and even though it may seem like fear is going to stay forever, truly, the fear always subsides. Sensation, emotions are all just perceptions that wash through awareness....they come and go like the rising and falling of the breath. This run was a nice reminder of that.

3. Let go of expectations. If nothings is permanent and if I truly stay in the moment, then letting go of expectations should be easy :) But this is always a practice of mine. I would end a day feeling awesome and amazing....wake up the next day, thinking, "i am going to feel great!" In a mile my knees would be throbbing. Or I'd be in tons of pain, thinking "i can't do this tomorrow"...and I'd start running and I'd feel great. I worked for hours trying to bring together the food community and many others for the yoga event in Des Moines, and the only day it stormed on my run was the morning of the outdoor yoga class....and so it was cancelled. True joy, peace and love are within me. Every day I am reminded of this, and the run taught me this even more so. If I get caught up in expectations, I am hopping on a roller coaster of anticipation, temporary happiness and then disappointment. Peace is within me. Each day I practice, letting go of expectations, living moment to moment, staying present with LIFE, embracing each moment as it comes to me.

4. Gratitude. This run made me much more aware of gratitude for so many things. I truly live a blessed life. Just having the opportunity to do this was amazing. So many people are struggling to just meet their basic needs....to find food, clean water etc. I am so grateful to be able to have the abundance in my life that allowed me to go on this adventure to honor my ancestors and explore my own edge. I am so grateful for my body! Sure my IT bands hurt....but that is really not so bad....how many people out there struggle to run 5 miles? Or run a mile? Or even get out of bed in the morning? I am so blessed with good health. i am grateful for the beauty that surrounds me. The earth and sky just shined with so much beauty every day. I am thankful for that lovely breeze that gently pushed at my back and for the pelicans that danced in the sky on the last day of my run. I am grateful for the bright green grasses that swayed in the breeze giving the appearance of waves flowing in an ocean. I am extremely grateful for all the people in my life who supported me, nurtured me, cheered for me, listened to me, hugged me, and love me on this whole journey...and who continue to do so today!!

5. I love community! Well, I guess this is also something I've always known, but this run truly made me even more aware of how wonderful people are. I truly couldn't have done this without the support of so many people. Without my support crew, Tim, Victoria, Mom, Steve Flynn, I really would have struggled making it past the first day! Thank you a million times from the bottom of my heart! These guys were so incredibly helpful!!! Then, the community in Des Moines...Ed Fallon, my PFI friends, the Iowa City crew that came out to meet me (Alisa,Josh, James, Mary, Dave), Kelly and Dan...all of these people played such a tremendous role in helping me move forward on some pretty tough days! I had so many wonderful hosts....THe Lotus House of Yoga crew in Omaha, Ed and the Catholic Worker House, Brian and Marcia in Newton, Monica and the Studio Z Yoga community in Des Moines...so many kind people that I barely knew opened their homes to me and my whole crew! So much kindness. The Iowa City community stunned me with support during the yoga class on Wednesday night. What amazing energy as close to 100 friends and yogi's joined together in community to practice on a glorious evening! Your support truly warms my heart. So many in the Iowa City community helped me by running (Shane, Derek, Jennifer, Bruce) or biking (Christy and Mary) with me! Those last couple of days were tough ones, and the company of these beautiful souls was so priceless! Then there was a whole crew of people who took care of me...massage from Nancy and Kaylyn, PT from Tim, Osteopathic treatment from John Macatee....and the people who helped celebrate....Bruce and Nancy put together an awesome little celebration while Alisa, Jen, Lore and Mary all decorated my house (I'm still finding confetti!!). Zac and Hollie took care of my dogs....every day friends sent inspiring texts and messages....this list could go on and on and on. I love, love, love you all soooo much.

Why did I keep going? Well, nothing ever told me to stop. Everything told me to continue. If I checked in with the pain that I was feeling, I was always reassured that it was nothing causing long term damage. And, if the pain or emotions got intense....just at the point where I thought I coldn't take it, then they would subside. Often times it would be followed up with feelings of great joy and love! The whole universe seemed to be encouraging me to continue on....the love and support of people, a strong breeze that would literally push me to keep on. The butterfly the sat on my back, and the pelicans that danced for me. On the last day it was supposed to be 100 degrees, but when I ran, the clouds covered the sun and the breeze fanned my face. I really felt like everything was coming together to help me on this journey. I am so grateful for that.

I am still enjoying my recovery! Today I ran about 7 miles...not all at once....I am still very much aware of my IT bands, but it is not so bad!! We'll see how things go, and if all goes well, I'll try a 50 mile trial run in September. But, i am not going to push it :) This week, I've had the opportunity to practice about 3 hours of yoga every day. Just what my body, mind and spirit needed!! I am truly feeling more and more refreshed and rejuvenated with every day that passes! Next week I head to Lake Tahoe for Wanderlust! I am so incredibly excited to join the global yoga and music community to celebrate LIFE. I am looking forward to connecting with friends, meeting new bright spirits, BEING in the mountains, and DANCING!

May the longtime sun shine upon you. May all love surround you, and the pure light within you, guide your way on.